SO BLESSED

There are people in my life who never stop amazing me.

I have wonderful friends who go out of their way to love and support me. They go above and beyond the "call of duty" to be there for me whenever I need them. Their support comes in so many different ways, but none the less, I am blessed to have them in my life.

I have an amazing extended family too. My aunts and uncles who are suffering in their own ways have always welcomed my family with open arms. They have made sure that we always feel welcome in their home. They have supported me in some of my darkest hours. Once again, I am blessed to have them in my life.

Most of all I am so truly blessed to have my husband. He never stops amazing me with his love. He has supported every crazy whim I have ever had, like moving just to get out of Florence or having babies for other people. I have always known he was a wonderful man, but he continues to amaze me with his love and support. I appreciate his love more than I could ever show.

Life Lessons

Recently I have been finding a lot of quotes on the Internet that I find to have some meaning... Now, the meaning may not be deep or profound... but they all ring true with me some how.

*The real mistake is not making amends as soon as you realize you’ve made one.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
*Wait at least two weeks after a break up before scheduling a haircut.
*Cut everyone a little slack; none of us is perfect.
* Even a fabulous sale won’t make the wrong size fit any better.
*Laughing at his jokes beats cooking skills, hand’s down.
* Black is more slimming than a grapefruit diet.
*Recycled trends only work if you weren’t old enough to wear them the first time they were popular.
*By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
*When people tell you their flaws, believe them.
* Don’t ask if you look fat if you can’t handle the truth.
* She who says the least knows the most.
* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
*Giving a good BJ beats cooking skills, hand’s down.
*Thou shalt not drink and text.
*Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
*In three months, everything will be different.
* Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen.
*Find joy in the simple things.
* The person who tells you everything about everyone is telling everyone everything about you, too.
*If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
*Be open to change, but never compromise your values.
*Remember that what you want isn’t always what you need.
* The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
*Great love and great achievement require great risk.
*More often than not -YOU are what’s getting in the way of you having everything you ever wanted.

Year in Review!!!

Yes, I know that the year isn't over yet. Matter of fact, there are 2 months left. But it seems like this year just needs to end already. I am so over 2009.
What happened this year???
January... D's 30th Birthday! Good times... great cake, great friends!
February... Valentines Day... Good family time with D and R. Went to the Asian Buffet and went to see a movie.

February 16th... the day that changed my life... My brother passed away. That day will always be ingrained in my mind. That day was one of the most gut wrenching days I have ever had. I don't really remember much past walking through the door of my house and just hugging my mom. The rest of the week is just a cloud. I remember going to the cemetery and the funeral home. But I don't remember any of the details. I feel like I was in a major deep fog.

The next several months were a MAJOR blur. I visited J in May. I was angry at that point in my life. Not at J or anyone else. Or angry for having to make the trip. But at myself. Angry for losing my brother. Angry at myself for being so sad. Anger that I couldn't just move on. We had some great times that weekend. But I regret picking a fight and letting my anger cloud my judgement of people. I regret not giving people the benefit of the doubt and allowing myself to get to know them. Not for my sake, but for J's.

July came and went with a wonderful visit from J!

Nothing else of note happened until October. D had an appendectomy. He recovered very well and is on the mend.

November hasn't happened yet. But I am sure it will have some highlights and low lights... cruise and a birthday celebration. I turn the big 3-0!!! I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the birthday... because I certainly am not. 30 feels like such a big deal to me. Everyone I talk to says "you're just a baby" "30 isn't bad at all". Well those kind words don't really put me at ease.

December will be a very hard month for me, not only with Christmas but Mark's birthday is December 9th, so I plan to spend the day at the cemetery.

So I am anxiously awaiting the end of this year. Not because I think it will instantly heal my hurt. But because I need to be able to say that I am moving on some how.

What a WEEK!!

It has been a very eventful week this last week. Saturday I made a cake for my mom's 51st birthday. We went to celebrate with Mom and the extended family in N KY. Not only did I amke a cake, I also made enough lasagna for 20 people along with garlic bread! It was a wonderful time to spend with great family!

Then all hell broke lose on Wednesday morning. D wasn't feeling well at all, which was very unusual for him! I thought it could have been the flu, told him to stay home and see how he felt... then he was telling me some more symptoms... then I started to worry. We made our way to the ER...low and behold it was an acute appendicitis. He wasn't having the tell tale symptoms so I wasn't overly worried. And apperantly neither were the doctors, he didn't go into surgery until 8 pm... a whole 12 hours after we walked into the ER! A lot of sitting around that day! His surgery went very smoothly, thank goodness. He was released on Thursday around noon. So we spent as much time waiting for him to have surgery than for him to recover and be released:) We spent the next 4 days sitting around. Thankfully he is feeling so much better now!

Saturday night was a ton of fun! R had sleepover again. She had the usual friends over along with a new addition. So 4 girls under 1 roof equals very loud night!! They all got along great! They all seemed to have a great time carving pumkins and eating cookies! Then came bed time...we have 2 beds that they could have slept in, but no... one girl, R still slept on the floor!!! Silly Kids!

So through all the craziness, we still managed to maintain our sanity. Now lets just hope that when I have my surgery, things go just as smooth!

A life well spent!

When I started this blog I struggled for a decent name for it. At the time it was just a name, but lately it seems that it has started to have some meaning to me.

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life. And overall I have been VERY happy with my life. Yes, it has been very hectic. Yes, it has been sort of stressful. Yes, it has been filled with drama. But it has been GREAT! I am feeling whole and fulfilled. I am feeling loved and in love. I am feeling like life will go on for me regardless of what has happened in the past. And all of those feelings are good!

So I feel like I am really living my life well spent!

What a weekend!!

This weekend has been an extended weekend for me. I took off of work on Thursday and Friday to hang out with my daughter. We spent Thursday shopping and all we came home with was a ONE EYED KITTEN!!! She is so sweet. And only 1 eye... we have named her One Eyed Willie... calling her Willie for short. She seems to be fitting in well in our house.:)

Friday we went to see a movie and just hang out:) We had a great time out and about! When we got home I had to make a cake for my Mom's birthday. I didn't wanna go with the boring chocolate cake again. I decided to try something different. I made Cinnamon Bun Cake with White Chocolate Cream Cheese filling and buttercream frosting. It was surprisingly easy to make. And wonderful!!!

Saaturday was a busy day. I had to get up early and make lasagna for mom's party. I think it will become tradition to have lasagna and cake on mom's birthday, since this is 2 years in a row now. It was also a big hit.

Worry

I have a dear friend that I often worry about. She is an amazing person. Always there for me when I need her. Always willing to listen to me complain about what ever is the latest drama in my life. I truly value her friendship. Often times, I feel like I am not nearly as good of a friend to her as she is to me.

She has been experiencing a lot of personal trials. I believe that she struggles with herself on a daily basis with things in her life. She is torn between being miserable in her current situation and finding what truly makes her happy. She feels trapped because she doesn't know which way to turn in her life. She wants to take the leap of faith but doesn't have enough faith in herself to actually make the leap. I wish I had the words of wisdom to help her in her struggles but I just don't. After all, there is no easy or nice way to say "hey, wake up! You deserve so much better than this!"

I wish she could find the faith in herself to know that she will be okay. I wish she knew that she would have all of the support she would need if she decided to make that leap of faith. I wish she would do what is right for herself and her children. I wish she would be able to say she is truly happy in her life and not be lying to herself. I wish she wouldn't wait to make herself happy.

It is hard to care about a friend so much and not be able to help them. It is hard to know that they are sad and miserable in their life. It is hard to know that she deserves so much better out of life but just can't see that for themselves.

I know it is not my job to worry about my friends. But unfortunately it is something I do. I have always been a worrier. It's just my way of caring.

Catching up!

So what's been going on with my life. Well a lot!

Where to start.

Mark passed away in February. That flipped my life upside-down to say the least! I still have not recovered from the grief. I doubt I ever will. At first it was hard to come to grips that I will never get to see him again. Or talk to him. But that hasn't proven to be true. I get to see and talk to him often. I have very vivid dreams about him. And we talk. And it feels healing and wonderful.

Work has been busy. The season has flown by. It has been great to be busy and keep my mind off of things that worry me.

I have been dealing with some body issues too. I have decided to have a hysterectomy to take care of the pain that I have. I have had a lot of people ask me if I am o'kay with not having anymore children. Now, that is a tricky question... at this current time in my life, I have to be okay without having any more children. Now, that isn't to say that I wouldn't like to have another baby, but that isn't going too happen. So I am at peace without having any more children of my own. Now, nieces and nephews are a different question...bring them on!

Speaking of Nephews and Nieces... So I have "adopted" several off my friends children as my nephews and nieces. A dear friend of mine of almost 10 years gave birth to her second son. He is adorable. So I have a new nephew:) So that makes my total of adopted nieces to 3 and 7 nephews!!!

I am back to being a Girl Scout Leader. I often find myself complaining about having to do yet another meeting or craft... but tonight proved to me why I do it. One of my girls is painfully shy. She isn't really into leading the group. Well she drew the pledge and song leader out of the capers jar. She was not happy with that at all. After the meeting she came up to me and said "Miss Nikki, thank you for being out leader. I love singing" That makes it all worth it!

I also took a sewing lesson... which was surprisingly easy. So I have been using my new found sewing skills to make aprons and pajama pants and purses... lots of fun!

I have also been doing a lot of cakes. I really enjoy making cakes. I have started to get more business. And I have started a cake blog:) www.cakesbynikki.blogspot.com

So there is my life in a nut shell... a very small, very cramped nutshell!

Back to blogging

So I have taken a hiatus from blogging. Mainly it is due to my life being rather hectic and not feeling like I have the time to blog.

But I need to get back with it.
So I am going to make more of an effort to blog at least once a week.

Someday

It's Friday afternoon and I am sitting at home waiting for the weekend to really start. I was just watching Project Runway and one of the designers said "someday you will be amazing...today is my someday!" That little phrase just struck a cord with me. I am not sure why, but it just did. It makes me think out when my someday is... or if my someday has already happened... or if my someday is everyday!

I truly believe that everyday is what you make of it. Everyday can be amazing. It's just up to you to make it amazing.

UGG

The pain has returned!!!!! Which leads me to believe that the endo has too!!!! UGGGGGGGG!!!! It is unbearable. I am in so much pain I feel like I could throw up!!! This is NOT good.

It's been awhile

I havent blogged in a very long time. I have had lots of things on my mind, but just no time to write them down.

So I am going to make time for it. Make time for Nikki.

Sleep

I need more of it... Just can't get it:(

I have not been sleeping well lately. My eyes are so heavy. I don't know what else to do to get more sleep. I am going to bed at a reasonable hour, I am excersising more, so I would think that would help me sleep better. I am taking a nice warm shower. No Caffine at night. So whats up with that???

I can fall asleep, just not a very restful sleep. I toss and turn all night. I feel spent every morning.

Ugg something has got to give.

Uggg!!!!!!!

That is it!

Outside Looking in????

Have you ever felt like you just can't connect with someone who you have been able to connect with for so long? That's how I feel. I feel like I haven't been on the same wave length with anyone for awhile now. So I guess I just to find a way to reconnect...or just get used to feeling like an outsider.

Dealing

I have been really thinking about other peoples mortality lately. I have been thinking about what I would do if someone I loved passed away again. I am scared that it will happen. Terrified! And I just can't get past this feeling. I am not afraid of dying myself. I am more afraid of how other people will be affected if I am gone. I don't think people I love could handle it. I worry so much about other people that it is hard to think about anything else.

But I have taken a step toward dealing with this better. I have made an appointment to talk to someone.

I know that these feelings come from losing my brother. I know that I never thought about this stuff before. But I also know that we are not promised another day on this world. So I am going to plan... but not over plan.

"talking"

So I have been spending a lot of time lately "talking" to my brother. I know that sounds wierd but it does make me feel a little better. I have been talking to him about all sorts of different things. I really miss my brother. And each day brings new feelings. And most days those feelings are peacful, but there are moments where I just feel overwhelmed with grief. But those moments pass quickly and I feel better. I still cry everyday, but it has gotten so much better.

There is a song that I heard just after Mark passed away. When I heard it I was in tears. This song is about a woman who passed away. Every time I hear the song I still cry some, but it feels good to think about Mark in Heaven with Jesus.

Untitled....

So tomorrow is Friday the 13th for the second month in a row. Last month I was making a cake for an order. It was an Optimus Prime. For the most part, I am so happy with it, except for the generic letters.

See the Pic:)

The next day was Valentines Day. It was one of the most relaxing Valentines Day I have had. We went to see Coraline and had lunch out. Nice Day!

Then my world crumbled in on me. That Monday was a day I will never ever forget. My brother died that Monday. I woke up to my phone ringing and knew something was up when I say it was my dad. The next several days are a blur.

It has been almost a month since that awful day. And every day is hard. I am able to make it through most of the day without crying. I usually save it to when I shower. That way no one has to see me cry. And the cry helps me get through the next day. I know that I need to talk, I know that I cant continue to cry every day. But for now, I just wanna internalize it. When someone asks me how I am I just smile and say "day by day" which makes me feel like I am on the DL. I know I will survive this, I know that it will take time to feel again. But it isn't easy.

Loss of my brother

I lost my brother on Monday February 16th. He passed away at my mothers home. It still seems to be unclear what really caused his death but my mother and the doctors spent quite a long time preforming CPR to try everything they could to save him. Mark battled his own demons for many years and I think his body finally gave out.

I am deeply saddened by the lose of my brother. I feel like a piece of my soul had been destroyed. I feel like I have lost the one person who understands my childhood. The one person who knows why you have to burn the hamburger helper or why I can't even hear the theme song to "Married with Children" without cringing. I feel like I will never be whole again. I didn't talk to my brother every day or every week, but when I did talk to him, he never ended the call without telling me he loved me. It is hard to believe that I will never get to hug him again or talk to him again.

Mark was a wonderful brother growing up. Mark was a wonderful Uncle to my daughter. He always knew how to make her smile. He would tease her until she whined or cried, but then he would give her a big hug to make it all better.

I know that it will take time to truly heal my heart. I know that it will take time to recover from the incredible about of lose I feel. I know that life will go on. But it seems like it will take such a long time to feel healed. But that's all I have now, time and my memories of Mark.

UGG!!!!!

So I feel like shit. Not physically, but emotionally. I am angry with myself. I am pissed that I can't just bite my tongue. I am mad that I felt the need to "knock" someone down several notches. And I am most pissed that I did all of these things to someone who I consider to be my nearest and dearest friend. And for some reason, I think that by some miracle, that our friendship will all be OK. Although I doubt it. And that makes me mad too.

I am not even sure why I couldn't bite my tongue. I have watched her overcome major changes in her life recently. And I will admit, I have never been in her position so I don't really know what she is going through, but for some reason I expect her to just be "OK" with everything. I expect her to be "over" it. I know that is stupid of me. I know that it is impossible to just be "OK" so soon.

So I spent the night tossing and turning and wondering. I wondered if I had lost my friend forever. And as I laid there in bed, I came to the realization that if the roles were reversed, I would want her to be a friend. Not a mother, not a boss, not a counselor...but just a friend. I would want someone who cares about me and my well being, but doesn't make me feel like I am making the wrong choices or not recovering fast enough from those choices. So I am done mothering and counseling and bossing. My friend has someone who fills all those rolls in her life. And she doesn't need me to add the additional pressure to her. So I will just be the friend for now. Nothing more.

C25k day 3

So today was day three. I had to take off a day in the middle for my legs to recover...lol and to bake some cakes. I wasn't sure if I was going to get day three in because of a ton of scheduling stuff, but thanks to great friends, I was able get to the gym.

So I went... and I did the program... and it is getting easier!!!
walked at rate of 3.2-3.4
Jogged at rate of 4.6
distance 1.72 miles
calories burned 208

I would like to add one more day to the first week routine, if I can squeeze it in. And start week 2 on Sunday. But the rest of the week will be insane!!

Anyway, it is starting to feel good to sweat... shh... that's our lil secret!!!

Couch to 5 K

So I started a program called Couch to 5 K.
It is a program that helps you get moving toward running a 5 k.
I found some great podcasts that tell you when to start running and for how long. That seems to really help me keep going. This program should be done every other day three days a week. My week is crazy busy this week with cake making and party planning
Wk 1
90 sec walking 60 sec running for 8 cycles.
Monday: Day 1
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and the jogging pace was 4.2 I completed the program. It felt awesome! I ran/walked for 1.52 miles and burned 145 calories (per the treadmill)
Tuesday: Day 2
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and jogging pace 4.4. I completed the program. Today was harder. But not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I ran/walked for 1.65 miles and burned 162 calories.

The current plan is to go again tomorrow but my legs are hurting today. So I will go the next day. I need to make the time to do it. I will make the time for it.

Instant Bad Mood!!!!!

I HATE the lake of sun in Ohio in the Winter. I hate that when I go to work it is still dark and when I get home it is dark!!!! Makes me super aggrivated. Makes me all sorts of BITCHY!!!!

And to top it all off I hate being a single parent, even if it is only 2 days a week! It is awful!

It's 2009!!!

Actually it is 6 days into 2009!!! And I am already behind on my blog.

We rang in the New Year with good friends. And barely made it past midnight. I believe we were in bed and asleep at 12:30... Man I feel old:)

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I just feel like they set me up to fail. I hate saying I am going to do something and then it never happens. So I just don't make them.

Instead, I have set a few personal goals for myself to accomplish before I turn 30 in November. But I wanna keep those to myself for awhile:)

The whole idea of turning 30 terrifies me. Why? Umm... who knows? Maybe it is because I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. Or maybe it is because I have already felt 30ish for years. I mean, I have been married for 7 years. I have been with the same person for the last 10 years. I have a 7 year old. I have a good job and a home and all the things that come with being an adult, like bills...lol. I guess turning 30 is better than the alternative.