Loss of my brother

I lost my brother on Monday February 16th. He passed away at my mothers home. It still seems to be unclear what really caused his death but my mother and the doctors spent quite a long time preforming CPR to try everything they could to save him. Mark battled his own demons for many years and I think his body finally gave out.

I am deeply saddened by the lose of my brother. I feel like a piece of my soul had been destroyed. I feel like I have lost the one person who understands my childhood. The one person who knows why you have to burn the hamburger helper or why I can't even hear the theme song to "Married with Children" without cringing. I feel like I will never be whole again. I didn't talk to my brother every day or every week, but when I did talk to him, he never ended the call without telling me he loved me. It is hard to believe that I will never get to hug him again or talk to him again.

Mark was a wonderful brother growing up. Mark was a wonderful Uncle to my daughter. He always knew how to make her smile. He would tease her until she whined or cried, but then he would give her a big hug to make it all better.

I know that it will take time to truly heal my heart. I know that it will take time to recover from the incredible about of lose I feel. I know that life will go on. But it seems like it will take such a long time to feel healed. But that's all I have now, time and my memories of Mark.

UGG!!!!!

So I feel like shit. Not physically, but emotionally. I am angry with myself. I am pissed that I can't just bite my tongue. I am mad that I felt the need to "knock" someone down several notches. And I am most pissed that I did all of these things to someone who I consider to be my nearest and dearest friend. And for some reason, I think that by some miracle, that our friendship will all be OK. Although I doubt it. And that makes me mad too.

I am not even sure why I couldn't bite my tongue. I have watched her overcome major changes in her life recently. And I will admit, I have never been in her position so I don't really know what she is going through, but for some reason I expect her to just be "OK" with everything. I expect her to be "over" it. I know that is stupid of me. I know that it is impossible to just be "OK" so soon.

So I spent the night tossing and turning and wondering. I wondered if I had lost my friend forever. And as I laid there in bed, I came to the realization that if the roles were reversed, I would want her to be a friend. Not a mother, not a boss, not a counselor...but just a friend. I would want someone who cares about me and my well being, but doesn't make me feel like I am making the wrong choices or not recovering fast enough from those choices. So I am done mothering and counseling and bossing. My friend has someone who fills all those rolls in her life. And she doesn't need me to add the additional pressure to her. So I will just be the friend for now. Nothing more.

C25k day 3

So today was day three. I had to take off a day in the middle for my legs to recover...lol and to bake some cakes. I wasn't sure if I was going to get day three in because of a ton of scheduling stuff, but thanks to great friends, I was able get to the gym.

So I went... and I did the program... and it is getting easier!!!
walked at rate of 3.2-3.4
Jogged at rate of 4.6
distance 1.72 miles
calories burned 208

I would like to add one more day to the first week routine, if I can squeeze it in. And start week 2 on Sunday. But the rest of the week will be insane!!

Anyway, it is starting to feel good to sweat... shh... that's our lil secret!!!

Couch to 5 K

So I started a program called Couch to 5 K.
It is a program that helps you get moving toward running a 5 k.
I found some great podcasts that tell you when to start running and for how long. That seems to really help me keep going. This program should be done every other day three days a week. My week is crazy busy this week with cake making and party planning
Wk 1
90 sec walking 60 sec running for 8 cycles.
Monday: Day 1
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and the jogging pace was 4.2 I completed the program. It felt awesome! I ran/walked for 1.52 miles and burned 145 calories (per the treadmill)
Tuesday: Day 2
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and jogging pace 4.4. I completed the program. Today was harder. But not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I ran/walked for 1.65 miles and burned 162 calories.

The current plan is to go again tomorrow but my legs are hurting today. So I will go the next day. I need to make the time to do it. I will make the time for it.

Instant Bad Mood!!!!!

I HATE the lake of sun in Ohio in the Winter. I hate that when I go to work it is still dark and when I get home it is dark!!!! Makes me super aggrivated. Makes me all sorts of BITCHY!!!!

And to top it all off I hate being a single parent, even if it is only 2 days a week! It is awful!

It's 2009!!!

Actually it is 6 days into 2009!!! And I am already behind on my blog.

We rang in the New Year with good friends. And barely made it past midnight. I believe we were in bed and asleep at 12:30... Man I feel old:)

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I just feel like they set me up to fail. I hate saying I am going to do something and then it never happens. So I just don't make them.

Instead, I have set a few personal goals for myself to accomplish before I turn 30 in November. But I wanna keep those to myself for awhile:)

The whole idea of turning 30 terrifies me. Why? Umm... who knows? Maybe it is because I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. Or maybe it is because I have already felt 30ish for years. I mean, I have been married for 7 years. I have been with the same person for the last 10 years. I have a 7 year old. I have a good job and a home and all the things that come with being an adult, like bills...lol. I guess turning 30 is better than the alternative.

Outsider???

I have been an outsider looking in on several different relationships this year. Some of the relationships have come to an end, some have grown despite the odds against them. Some have just stood where they were, never really changing. Witnessing these relationships has taught me a lot about myself too.

One relationship that I don't see much of in person is between my brother and this girl (not sure what to call her, she maybe his girlfriend, but who knows from day to day) She is an adult, but doesn't really act like one. She plays games. She tries to control my brother. She holds things of my brothers head. Seeing her act like that is repulsive. It makes me very happy that I am not that kind of person.

Another relationship I have seen is actually one I am a part of, it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. It is a relationship I have had with a friend for almost 10 years. But unfortunately, it just doesn't feel much like a real friendship anymore. It feels more like an obligation. I know that is very sad. Heck, it sounds very sad just saying it in my head. We have both grown so far away from who we were 10 years ago that I can hardly recognize who we were back then. I miss the relationship we shared even 5 years ago. Seeing this relationship deteriorate has taught me that unfortunately no matter what you do or how hard you try, some relationships can't survive. I will always value the relationship for the joy it has brought me. I will always keep my heart open to the relationship, but I will always miss the way things were.

The one relationship I think I learned the most from this year is one that didn't make it. It took a wrong turn somewhere along their path. I believe that the wrong turn was taken years ago, and it just continued down that path because neither of the people in the relationship felt like it was the wrong path until it was to late to turn around. Seeing this relationship end was very hard. Seeing the pain it inflicted on people I care about hurt me too. I know that this relationship had a lot of happy times. But I also know that this relationship had unhappy times too. I hope that the people in this relationship have learned the same lesson I have from then. I learned that no matter how much it hurts, Love is worth it, even if the love you share doesn't last forever, that small amount of time you had love makes all of the hurt worth it in the end.

There is another relationship I have watched this year. It is a very interesting one to see. It is between my daughter and her friend, B. They are in the same class together. They have been friends since last year. But I think they are both coming into their own. R loves being around B. She thinks of B as a sister. And like all sisters, they also fight like sisters. Their young friendship has so much potential to be a life long one. It will take some nurturing to help it grow. It will have some bumps in the road along the way, but I think it will be a wonderful relationship to watch grow. It is hard to just sit back and watch sometimes. But I know that by just watching it is the best way for the friendship to bloom.


There are SO many other relationships I have seen this year. Way to many to list here. But I am glad that I get to be an outsider to them all...regardless of the outcome.