Outside Looking in????

Have you ever felt like you just can't connect with someone who you have been able to connect with for so long? That's how I feel. I feel like I haven't been on the same wave length with anyone for awhile now. So I guess I just to find a way to reconnect...or just get used to feeling like an outsider.

Dealing

I have been really thinking about other peoples mortality lately. I have been thinking about what I would do if someone I loved passed away again. I am scared that it will happen. Terrified! And I just can't get past this feeling. I am not afraid of dying myself. I am more afraid of how other people will be affected if I am gone. I don't think people I love could handle it. I worry so much about other people that it is hard to think about anything else.

But I have taken a step toward dealing with this better. I have made an appointment to talk to someone.

I know that these feelings come from losing my brother. I know that I never thought about this stuff before. But I also know that we are not promised another day on this world. So I am going to plan... but not over plan.

"talking"

So I have been spending a lot of time lately "talking" to my brother. I know that sounds wierd but it does make me feel a little better. I have been talking to him about all sorts of different things. I really miss my brother. And each day brings new feelings. And most days those feelings are peacful, but there are moments where I just feel overwhelmed with grief. But those moments pass quickly and I feel better. I still cry everyday, but it has gotten so much better.

There is a song that I heard just after Mark passed away. When I heard it I was in tears. This song is about a woman who passed away. Every time I hear the song I still cry some, but it feels good to think about Mark in Heaven with Jesus.

Untitled....

So tomorrow is Friday the 13th for the second month in a row. Last month I was making a cake for an order. It was an Optimus Prime. For the most part, I am so happy with it, except for the generic letters.

See the Pic:)

The next day was Valentines Day. It was one of the most relaxing Valentines Day I have had. We went to see Coraline and had lunch out. Nice Day!

Then my world crumbled in on me. That Monday was a day I will never ever forget. My brother died that Monday. I woke up to my phone ringing and knew something was up when I say it was my dad. The next several days are a blur.

It has been almost a month since that awful day. And every day is hard. I am able to make it through most of the day without crying. I usually save it to when I shower. That way no one has to see me cry. And the cry helps me get through the next day. I know that I need to talk, I know that I cant continue to cry every day. But for now, I just wanna internalize it. When someone asks me how I am I just smile and say "day by day" which makes me feel like I am on the DL. I know I will survive this, I know that it will take time to feel again. But it isn't easy.

Loss of my brother

I lost my brother on Monday February 16th. He passed away at my mothers home. It still seems to be unclear what really caused his death but my mother and the doctors spent quite a long time preforming CPR to try everything they could to save him. Mark battled his own demons for many years and I think his body finally gave out.

I am deeply saddened by the lose of my brother. I feel like a piece of my soul had been destroyed. I feel like I have lost the one person who understands my childhood. The one person who knows why you have to burn the hamburger helper or why I can't even hear the theme song to "Married with Children" without cringing. I feel like I will never be whole again. I didn't talk to my brother every day or every week, but when I did talk to him, he never ended the call without telling me he loved me. It is hard to believe that I will never get to hug him again or talk to him again.

Mark was a wonderful brother growing up. Mark was a wonderful Uncle to my daughter. He always knew how to make her smile. He would tease her until she whined or cried, but then he would give her a big hug to make it all better.

I know that it will take time to truly heal my heart. I know that it will take time to recover from the incredible about of lose I feel. I know that life will go on. But it seems like it will take such a long time to feel healed. But that's all I have now, time and my memories of Mark.

UGG!!!!!

So I feel like shit. Not physically, but emotionally. I am angry with myself. I am pissed that I can't just bite my tongue. I am mad that I felt the need to "knock" someone down several notches. And I am most pissed that I did all of these things to someone who I consider to be my nearest and dearest friend. And for some reason, I think that by some miracle, that our friendship will all be OK. Although I doubt it. And that makes me mad too.

I am not even sure why I couldn't bite my tongue. I have watched her overcome major changes in her life recently. And I will admit, I have never been in her position so I don't really know what she is going through, but for some reason I expect her to just be "OK" with everything. I expect her to be "over" it. I know that is stupid of me. I know that it is impossible to just be "OK" so soon.

So I spent the night tossing and turning and wondering. I wondered if I had lost my friend forever. And as I laid there in bed, I came to the realization that if the roles were reversed, I would want her to be a friend. Not a mother, not a boss, not a counselor...but just a friend. I would want someone who cares about me and my well being, but doesn't make me feel like I am making the wrong choices or not recovering fast enough from those choices. So I am done mothering and counseling and bossing. My friend has someone who fills all those rolls in her life. And she doesn't need me to add the additional pressure to her. So I will just be the friend for now. Nothing more.

C25k day 3

So today was day three. I had to take off a day in the middle for my legs to recover...lol and to bake some cakes. I wasn't sure if I was going to get day three in because of a ton of scheduling stuff, but thanks to great friends, I was able get to the gym.

So I went... and I did the program... and it is getting easier!!!
walked at rate of 3.2-3.4
Jogged at rate of 4.6
distance 1.72 miles
calories burned 208

I would like to add one more day to the first week routine, if I can squeeze it in. And start week 2 on Sunday. But the rest of the week will be insane!!

Anyway, it is starting to feel good to sweat... shh... that's our lil secret!!!