UGG!!!!!

So I feel like shit. Not physically, but emotionally. I am angry with myself. I am pissed that I can't just bite my tongue. I am mad that I felt the need to "knock" someone down several notches. And I am most pissed that I did all of these things to someone who I consider to be my nearest and dearest friend. And for some reason, I think that by some miracle, that our friendship will all be OK. Although I doubt it. And that makes me mad too.

I am not even sure why I couldn't bite my tongue. I have watched her overcome major changes in her life recently. And I will admit, I have never been in her position so I don't really know what she is going through, but for some reason I expect her to just be "OK" with everything. I expect her to be "over" it. I know that is stupid of me. I know that it is impossible to just be "OK" so soon.

So I spent the night tossing and turning and wondering. I wondered if I had lost my friend forever. And as I laid there in bed, I came to the realization that if the roles were reversed, I would want her to be a friend. Not a mother, not a boss, not a counselor...but just a friend. I would want someone who cares about me and my well being, but doesn't make me feel like I am making the wrong choices or not recovering fast enough from those choices. So I am done mothering and counseling and bossing. My friend has someone who fills all those rolls in her life. And she doesn't need me to add the additional pressure to her. So I will just be the friend for now. Nothing more.

C25k day 3

So today was day three. I had to take off a day in the middle for my legs to recover...lol and to bake some cakes. I wasn't sure if I was going to get day three in because of a ton of scheduling stuff, but thanks to great friends, I was able get to the gym.

So I went... and I did the program... and it is getting easier!!!
walked at rate of 3.2-3.4
Jogged at rate of 4.6
distance 1.72 miles
calories burned 208

I would like to add one more day to the first week routine, if I can squeeze it in. And start week 2 on Sunday. But the rest of the week will be insane!!

Anyway, it is starting to feel good to sweat... shh... that's our lil secret!!!

Couch to 5 K

So I started a program called Couch to 5 K.
It is a program that helps you get moving toward running a 5 k.
I found some great podcasts that tell you when to start running and for how long. That seems to really help me keep going. This program should be done every other day three days a week. My week is crazy busy this week with cake making and party planning
Wk 1
90 sec walking 60 sec running for 8 cycles.
Monday: Day 1
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and the jogging pace was 4.2 I completed the program. It felt awesome! I ran/walked for 1.52 miles and burned 145 calories (per the treadmill)
Tuesday: Day 2
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and jogging pace 4.4. I completed the program. Today was harder. But not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I ran/walked for 1.65 miles and burned 162 calories.

The current plan is to go again tomorrow but my legs are hurting today. So I will go the next day. I need to make the time to do it. I will make the time for it.

Instant Bad Mood!!!!!

I HATE the lake of sun in Ohio in the Winter. I hate that when I go to work it is still dark and when I get home it is dark!!!! Makes me super aggrivated. Makes me all sorts of BITCHY!!!!

And to top it all off I hate being a single parent, even if it is only 2 days a week! It is awful!

It's 2009!!!

Actually it is 6 days into 2009!!! And I am already behind on my blog.

We rang in the New Year with good friends. And barely made it past midnight. I believe we were in bed and asleep at 12:30... Man I feel old:)

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I just feel like they set me up to fail. I hate saying I am going to do something and then it never happens. So I just don't make them.

Instead, I have set a few personal goals for myself to accomplish before I turn 30 in November. But I wanna keep those to myself for awhile:)

The whole idea of turning 30 terrifies me. Why? Umm... who knows? Maybe it is because I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. Or maybe it is because I have already felt 30ish for years. I mean, I have been married for 7 years. I have been with the same person for the last 10 years. I have a 7 year old. I have a good job and a home and all the things that come with being an adult, like bills...lol. I guess turning 30 is better than the alternative.

Outsider???

I have been an outsider looking in on several different relationships this year. Some of the relationships have come to an end, some have grown despite the odds against them. Some have just stood where they were, never really changing. Witnessing these relationships has taught me a lot about myself too.

One relationship that I don't see much of in person is between my brother and this girl (not sure what to call her, she maybe his girlfriend, but who knows from day to day) She is an adult, but doesn't really act like one. She plays games. She tries to control my brother. She holds things of my brothers head. Seeing her act like that is repulsive. It makes me very happy that I am not that kind of person.

Another relationship I have seen is actually one I am a part of, it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. It is a relationship I have had with a friend for almost 10 years. But unfortunately, it just doesn't feel much like a real friendship anymore. It feels more like an obligation. I know that is very sad. Heck, it sounds very sad just saying it in my head. We have both grown so far away from who we were 10 years ago that I can hardly recognize who we were back then. I miss the relationship we shared even 5 years ago. Seeing this relationship deteriorate has taught me that unfortunately no matter what you do or how hard you try, some relationships can't survive. I will always value the relationship for the joy it has brought me. I will always keep my heart open to the relationship, but I will always miss the way things were.

The one relationship I think I learned the most from this year is one that didn't make it. It took a wrong turn somewhere along their path. I believe that the wrong turn was taken years ago, and it just continued down that path because neither of the people in the relationship felt like it was the wrong path until it was to late to turn around. Seeing this relationship end was very hard. Seeing the pain it inflicted on people I care about hurt me too. I know that this relationship had a lot of happy times. But I also know that this relationship had unhappy times too. I hope that the people in this relationship have learned the same lesson I have from then. I learned that no matter how much it hurts, Love is worth it, even if the love you share doesn't last forever, that small amount of time you had love makes all of the hurt worth it in the end.

There is another relationship I have watched this year. It is a very interesting one to see. It is between my daughter and her friend, B. They are in the same class together. They have been friends since last year. But I think they are both coming into their own. R loves being around B. She thinks of B as a sister. And like all sisters, they also fight like sisters. Their young friendship has so much potential to be a life long one. It will take some nurturing to help it grow. It will have some bumps in the road along the way, but I think it will be a wonderful relationship to watch grow. It is hard to just sit back and watch sometimes. But I know that by just watching it is the best way for the friendship to bloom.


There are SO many other relationships I have seen this year. Way to many to list here. But I am glad that I get to be an outsider to them all...regardless of the outcome.

Reflection

So it's New Years Eve Day. I am at work with a whole lot of nothing going on. I have work to do, but not enough to keep me "busy" all day.

We will be spending NYE the same we spent it last year. A lot of kids running around with the adults struggling to stay awake until midnight.

This year has been pretty uneventful. D decided to go back to school for his masters, R is doing great in 1st grade and is making a ton of friends at school. She is dancing again this year and still says she will only dance for 5 years so she can get a trophy on stage...lol. She is also in Girl Scouts, which I foolishly volunteered to be a part of. I am not sure she gets much out of it, but she seems to enjoy the activities anyway.

I skipped my 10 year class reunion this year. Really didn't feel like I really belong to that school anyway (the joys of moving in the middle of your high school experience). Maybe I will make an appearance at the 15 year reunion, but don't hold your breath.

I also moved on (finally) from the world of Surrogacy. I had serious debated doing it ONE more time, but couldn't get past the hurt and frustration I had from my past journey. I held onto the heartache a lot longer than I should I have. And I have finally made peace with it and have moved on. I didn't spend countless hours looking for the perfect gift for the boys, I just didn't want to find myself in the toy section again this year with tears streaming down my face because I didn't know anything about the babies I carried. So I made the choice to just MOVE ON.

I also had to make a tougher choice this year. I made the choice to have an endometrial ablation due to some medical issues I was having. Which means I am not able to ever carry another baby again. So that means that I will never have anymore children of my own either. I will say, there are days where I am disappointed about making that choice, but then I realize that I really don't want any more children. The one I have is an absolute blast, but kids are a lot of work.

What else happened this year??? D and I celebrated 7 years of marriage. It is so hard to believe we have only been married for 7 years. It feels like I have ALWAYS been married to him. It just feels so right. I know I am blessed to have him in my life. I know that being loved by D is an honor. He isn't a deeply emotional man. He doesn't shower me with lavish gifts. He doesn't leave me love notes every day. But he loves me to no end. He kisses me goodnight every night and hugs me good bye every morning. I am so lucky to be celebrating another New Years Eve with D.

We also joined a bowling league... what a JOKE!!!! I am the WORST bowler in the whole history of bowlers. My 7 year old Daughter bowls better than I do.Ohh well... At least we are having fun doing it right.

I hope my 2009 is just as good as my 2008.