UGG

The pain has returned!!!!! Which leads me to believe that the endo has too!!!! UGGGGGGGG!!!! It is unbearable. I am in so much pain I feel like I could throw up!!! This is NOT good.

It's been awhile

I havent blogged in a very long time. I have had lots of things on my mind, but just no time to write them down.

So I am going to make time for it. Make time for Nikki.

Sleep

I need more of it... Just can't get it:(

I have not been sleeping well lately. My eyes are so heavy. I don't know what else to do to get more sleep. I am going to bed at a reasonable hour, I am excersising more, so I would think that would help me sleep better. I am taking a nice warm shower. No Caffine at night. So whats up with that???

I can fall asleep, just not a very restful sleep. I toss and turn all night. I feel spent every morning.

Ugg something has got to give.

Uggg!!!!!!!

That is it!

Outside Looking in????

Have you ever felt like you just can't connect with someone who you have been able to connect with for so long? That's how I feel. I feel like I haven't been on the same wave length with anyone for awhile now. So I guess I just to find a way to reconnect...or just get used to feeling like an outsider.

Dealing

I have been really thinking about other peoples mortality lately. I have been thinking about what I would do if someone I loved passed away again. I am scared that it will happen. Terrified! And I just can't get past this feeling. I am not afraid of dying myself. I am more afraid of how other people will be affected if I am gone. I don't think people I love could handle it. I worry so much about other people that it is hard to think about anything else.

But I have taken a step toward dealing with this better. I have made an appointment to talk to someone.

I know that these feelings come from losing my brother. I know that I never thought about this stuff before. But I also know that we are not promised another day on this world. So I am going to plan... but not over plan.

"talking"

So I have been spending a lot of time lately "talking" to my brother. I know that sounds wierd but it does make me feel a little better. I have been talking to him about all sorts of different things. I really miss my brother. And each day brings new feelings. And most days those feelings are peacful, but there are moments where I just feel overwhelmed with grief. But those moments pass quickly and I feel better. I still cry everyday, but it has gotten so much better.

There is a song that I heard just after Mark passed away. When I heard it I was in tears. This song is about a woman who passed away. Every time I hear the song I still cry some, but it feels good to think about Mark in Heaven with Jesus.