Home Sick!

So I am home sick today. I hate being sick. But I like being home. I really love the idea of being home. I love the idea of being able to "play"house. But unfortunatly, I am not able to stay home. Not if I wanna maintain my current lifestyle.

My daughter would have to give up things that I would NEVER want her to do without. Dance class would be out of the question. Private school would be gone. The weekly shopping trip would have to come to an end. All things that I am not willing to make her give up.

So I will spend my day at home sick.... go back to work tomorrow.:)

Loosing my mind

I don't like to work. Actually I think it is that I just don't like to sit and be bored all day. My job is boring. I spend most of my time surfing the Internet. And you can only surf for so long before you loose your mind.

A dear Friend!

I have a very dear friend, someone who I consider to be my very bestest friend in the world. I am grateful for her friendship. I look forward to sharing emails and texts with her everyday. There isn't a day goes by that we don't "talk".

I just want her to know that I LUB her and always think about her. She is strong and independent. She is brave yet cautious. She has shown me so much about life. She truly cares about others. She is the most generous person I know.

Just wanted to let her know that she will never be alone in life. Keep smiling:)

Living thru the pain!

For as long as I can remember I have suffered some sort of chronic pain. 99% of it steams from my back hurting. Which, I am sure is related to the fact that I have worn a D cup to a DD cup bra for 18 years. And now my body is suffering the consequences.

I have grooves in my shoulders from the bra straps, I have buldging disks in my neck from the pulling, I have intense pain down my leg from the nerve that is pinched in my lower back. I am not sure how much more pain I can take. It is intense. It is debilitating. It affects my everyday life in a very profound way. I can not bend over to hug my daughter, she has to come to my level. I can not lean up to hug my husband, he has to come to my level.

I am finding that NOTHING takes away the pain. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING helps. Advil doesn't touch the pain. Vicodin barely numbs it. So what is the answer? Live with it? I am not sure I can.

Reflecting

Yesterday was September 11, 2008. It has been 7 years since the towers fell in NYC. I spent a good part of yeasterday reflecting on that time in my life. Not because I cant move past the atatcks or because I was morning the lives lost. I was reflecting on that day becasue it was 4 days before my wedding. I was working that day and was supposed to pick up my dress that night. After the towers fell, stores closed. My Dress would not be picked up that night. Infact my Dress wouldn't be picked up until two days later.

The things that I reflect most on about 7 years ago was that I was pregnant with my daughter. I thought to my self " how in the hell can I bring a baby into a world filled with so much hated?" I quickly realized that I didn't have a choice but to bring a child into this world. And I realized that I had the choice to raise her any way I wanted. I could have raised her to hate. I could have raised her to judge people by their skin color or their sexual preference. But I choose to raise her the way that I have choosen to see the world. I have raised her to be understanding and loving of others. I have taught her that it is ok to be different. She knows it is ok for 2 boys to love each other. She knows that even though her school may teach her about god, that it isnt the answer to all the problems.

So after a day of reflection, I feel at peace with September 11.

I am so Selfish!!!

I feel like a selfish wench right now.

Why? Well, I can't really write it down.... It's a secret...so shhhhh... but since not many people actually read my blog...

So, I have a brother, Bubba, who is 27 (28 in December). He is my "Whole" brother, as opposed to my "half" brother who is 8 (9 in November) (yeah, my dad started a second family after he got remarried)

So Bubba has spent many years with a deamon on his back. He has been faced with a lot of trials and tribulations. He has not always been the best brother or son or uncle or friend. But Bubba is trying to make his life better. He is going to school. He is making better friends.

So anyway, Bubba has a girlfriend, they have not been dating for very long...maybe 6 months. Well.... Bubba's girl is knocked up! Is that good news or bad??? Bad... considering it is a tubal pregnancy. :( NOT good at all...So this poor lil girl will have to endure the heartache of loosing the baby. Unfortunately there is Very little chance the pregnancy will survive.

So why am I selfish???? Because all I can think about it how sad I am that I don't get to be an AUNT! What kind of person does that??? A very very selfish one.

Just a few random thoughts part 1

So when I started this blog I intended it to be lite hearted and good for a laugh or two. But the tone of this post will be a bit different. I wanted to take some time to reflect on things that have change who I am as a person. These events or people have change the core of who I am. Some events or people have been good.... some, not so good.

So here it is...
In 1996 my parents divorced. After 17 years of marriage, they split. Yeah, it happens, but for me, I never thought it would happen to me. When I was growing up, all of my friend's parents were married. So I bet you are wondering how my parents getting divorced changed me. Well, I do NOT believe in divorce. I refuse to think that the man I married will eventually not be my husband.

Not only has the actually divorce changed me, but there are other things about that time that will always stand out in my mind. When my dad left my mom, I didn't really "feel" anything. It didn't hurt that much... until he ran off to Boston to be with some chick he met on the Internet. On the 4th of July I got an email from my dad. It said that it was "HIS" Independence Day. He day of freedom. Back then I wasn't sure what that really meant. But I do remember that I thought that he was contemplating taking his own life. I remember very clearly sitting on the porch with a boyfriend, crying hysterically and breathing into a brown paper bag. At that moment I vowed to myself to NEVER let my father hurt me like that ever ever again. He will never get that close to me again. He will never have that chance to make me feel that awful.
And to this day, I have a very big wall up when it comes to my father. I will not allow him to hurt me anymore. I don't talk to him very often. As a matter of fact, I usually only talk to him around the Holidays.

Another part of this event that has changed me more than I realized at the time, THE BOSTON LADY taught me something. She taught me that there are some women who use a man just for the money. And there are some women who are completely okay. I realized that I will NEVER be that kind of woman.