A life well spent!

Time goes on

2010-01-22T15:07:00.003-05:00

So this weekend last year...We were celebrating D's 30th birthday. Great friends and family came out to celebrate with us.

Thinking back and reflecting on that time I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I realized that this weekend last year was the last time I saw my brother alive. He was happy and smiling and joking. I am so grateful to have those memories. But it has been almost a year since Mark died and I am still struggling with the pain. I know the pain will never go away completely. And I don't want it to. I want to have the memories that I shared with Mark. But there is NOTHING I wouldn't give to be able to have the time to make more memories. One more day would be a blessing.

SO BLESSED

2009-12-21T09:58:00.003-05:00

There are people in my life who never stop amazing me.

I have wonderful friends who go out of their way to love and support me. They go above and beyond the "call of duty" to be there for me whenever I need them. Their support comes in so many different ways, but none the less, I am blessed to have them in my life.

I have an amazing extended family too. My aunts and uncles who are suffering in their own ways have always welcomed my family with open arms. They have made sure that we always feel welcome in their home. They have supported me in some of my darkest hours. Once again, I am blessed to have them in my life.

Most of all I am so truly blessed to have my husband. He never stops amazing me with his love. He has supported every crazy whim I have ever had, like moving just to get out of Florence or having babies for other people. I have always known he was a wonderful man, but he continues to amaze me with his love and support. I appreciate his love more than I could ever show.

Life Lessons

2009-11-10T10:34:00.002-05:00

Recently I have been finding a lot of quotes on the Internet that I find to have some meaning... Now, the meaning may not be deep or profound... but they all ring true with me some how.

*The real mistake is not making amends as soon as you realize you’ve made one.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
*Wait at least two weeks after a break up before scheduling a haircut.
*Cut everyone a little slack; none of us is perfect.
* Even a fabulous sale won’t make the wrong size fit any better.
*Laughing at his jokes beats cooking skills, hand’s down.
* Black is more slimming than a grapefruit diet.
*Recycled trends only work if you weren’t old enough to wear them the first time they were popular.
*By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
*When people tell you their flaws, believe them.
* Don’t ask if you look fat if you can’t handle the truth.
* She who says the least knows the most.
* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
*Giving a good BJ beats cooking skills, hand’s down.
*Thou shalt not drink and text.
*Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
*In three months, everything will be different.
* Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen.
*Find joy in the simple things.
* The person who tells you everything about everyone is telling everyone everything about you, too.
*If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
*Be open to change, but never compromise your values.
*Remember that what you want isn’t always what you need.
* The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
*Great love and great achievement require great risk.
*More often than not -YOU are what’s getting in the way of you having everything you ever wanted.

Year in Review!!!

2009-10-27T19:24:00.002-04:00

Yes, I know that the year isn't over yet. Matter of fact, there are 2 months left. But it seems like this year just needs to end already. I am so over 2009.
What happened this year???
January... D's 30th Birthday! Good times... great cake, great friends!
February... Valentines Day... Good family time with D and R. Went to the Asian Buffet and went to see a movie.

February 16th... the day that changed my life... My brother passed away. That day will always be ingrained in my mind. That day was one of the most gut wrenching days I have ever had. I don't really remember much past walking through the door of my house and just hugging my mom. The rest of the week is just a cloud. I remember going to the cemetery and the funeral home. But I don't remember any of the details. I feel like I was in a major deep fog.

The next several months were a MAJOR blur. I visited J in May. I was angry at that point in my life. Not at J or anyone else. Or angry for having to make the trip. But at myself. Angry for losing my brother. Angry at myself for being so sad. Anger that I couldn't just move on. We had some great times that weekend. But I regret picking a fight and letting my anger cloud my judgement of people. I regret not giving people the benefit of the doubt and allowing myself to get to know them. Not for my sake, but for J's.

July came and went with a wonderful visit from J!

Nothing else of note happened until October. D had an appendectomy. He recovered very well and is on the mend.

November hasn't happened yet. But I am sure it will have some highlights and low lights... cruise and a birthday celebration. I turn the big 3-0!!! I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the birthday... because I certainly am not. 30 feels like such a big deal to me. Everyone I talk to says "you're just a baby" "30 isn't bad at all". Well those kind words don't really put me at ease.

December will be a very hard month for me, not only with Christmas but Mark's birthday is December 9th, so I plan to spend the day at the cemetery.

So I am anxiously awaiting the end of this year. Not because I think it will instantly heal my hurt. But because I need to be able to say that I am moving on some how.

What a WEEK!!

2009-10-19T09:40:00.002-04:00

It has been a very eventful week this last week. Saturday I made a cake for my mom's 51st birthday. We went to celebrate with Mom and the extended family in N KY. Not only did I amke a cake, I also made enough lasagna for 20 people along with garlic bread! It was a wonderful time to spend with great family!

Then all hell broke lose on Wednesday morning. D wasn't feeling well at all, which was very unusual for him! I thought it could have been the flu, told him to stay home and see how he felt... then he was telling me some more symptoms... then I started to worry. We made our way to the ER...low and behold it was an acute appendicitis. He wasn't having the tell tale symptoms so I wasn't overly worried. And apperantly neither were the doctors, he didn't go into surgery until 8 pm... a whole 12 hours after we walked into the ER! A lot of sitting around that day! His surgery went very smoothly, thank goodness. He was released on Thursday around noon. So we spent as much time waiting for him to have surgery than for him to recover and be released:) We spent the next 4 days sitting around. Thankfully he is feeling so much better now!

Saturday night was a ton of fun! R had sleepover again. She had the usual friends over along with a new addition. So 4 girls under 1 roof equals very loud night!! They all got along great! They all seemed to have a great time carving pumkins and eating cookies! Then came bed time...we have 2 beds that they could have slept in, but no... one girl, R still slept on the floor!!! Silly Kids!

So through all the craziness, we still managed to maintain our sanity. Now lets just hope that when I have my surgery, things go just as smooth!

A life well spent!

2009-10-13T09:57:00.003-04:00

When I started this blog I struggled for a decent name for it. At the time it was just a name, but lately it seems that it has started to have some meaning to me.

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life. And overall I have been VERY happy with my life. Yes, it has been very hectic. Yes, it has been sort of stressful. Yes, it has been filled with drama. But it has been GREAT! I am feeling whole and fulfilled. I am feeling loved and in love. I am feeling like life will go on for me regardless of what has happened in the past. And all of those feelings are good!

So I feel like I am really living my life well spent!

What a weekend!!

2009-10-11T11:16:00.003-04:00

This weekend has been an extended weekend for me. I took off of work on Thursday and Friday to hang out with my daughter. We spent Thursday shopping and all we came home with was a ONE EYED KITTEN!!! She is so sweet. And only 1 eye... we have named her One Eyed Willie... calling her Willie for short. She seems to be fitting in well in our house.:)

Friday we went to see a movie and just hang out:) We had a great time out and about! When we got home I had to make a cake for my Mom's birthday. I didn't wanna go with the boring chocolate cake again. I decided to try something different. I made Cinnamon Bun Cake with White Chocolate Cream Cheese filling and buttercream frosting. It was surprisingly easy to make. And wonderful!!!

Saaturday was a busy day. I had to get up early and make lasagna for mom's party. I think it will become tradition to have lasagna and cake on mom's birthday, since this is 2 years in a row now. It was also a big hit.

Worry

2009-10-07T08:34:00.004-04:00

I have a dear friend that I often worry about. She is an amazing person. Always there for me when I need her. Always willing to listen to me complain about what ever is the latest drama in my life. I truly value her friendship. Often times, I feel like I am not nearly as good of a friend to her as she is to me.

She has been experiencing a lot of personal trials. I believe that she struggles with herself on a daily basis with things in her life. She is torn between being miserable in her current situation and finding what truly makes her happy. She feels trapped because she doesn't know which way to turn in her life. She wants to take the leap of faith but doesn't have enough faith in herself to actually make the leap. I wish I had the words of wisdom to help her in her struggles but I just don't. After all, there is no easy or nice way to say "hey, wake up! You deserve so much better than this!"

I wish she could find the faith in herself to know that she will be okay. I wish she knew that she would have all of the support she would need if she decided to make that leap of faith. I wish she would do what is right for herself and her children. I wish she would be able to say she is truly happy in her life and not be lying to herself. I wish she wouldn't wait to make herself happy.

It is hard to care about a friend so much and not be able to help them. It is hard to know that they are sad and miserable in their life. It is hard to know that she deserves so much better out of life but just can't see that for themselves.

I know it is not my job to worry about my friends. But unfortunately it is something I do. I have always been a worrier. It's just my way of caring.

Catching up!

2009-09-29T19:16:00.003-04:00

So what's been going on with my life. Well a lot!

Where to start.

Mark passed away in February. That flipped my life upside-down to say the least! I still have not recovered from the grief. I doubt I ever will. At first it was hard to come to grips that I will never get to see him again. Or talk to him. But that hasn't proven to be true. I get to see and talk to him often. I have very vivid dreams about him. And we talk. And it feels healing and wonderful.

Work has been busy. The season has flown by. It has been great to be busy and keep my mind off of things that worry me.

I have been dealing with some body issues too. I have decided to have a hysterectomy to take care of the pain that I have. I have had a lot of people ask me if I am o'kay with not having anymore children. Now, that is a tricky question... at this current time in my life, I have to be okay without having any more children. Now, that isn't to say that I wouldn't like to have another baby, but that isn't going too happen. So I am at peace without having any more children of my own. Now, nieces and nephews are a different question...bring them on!

Speaking of Nephews and Nieces... So I have "adopted" several off my friends children as my nephews and nieces. A dear friend of mine of almost 10 years gave birth to her second son. He is adorable. So I have a new nephew:) So that makes my total of adopted nieces to 3 and 7 nephews!!!

I am back to being a Girl Scout Leader. I often find myself complaining about having to do yet another meeting or craft... but tonight proved to me why I do it. One of my girls is painfully shy. She isn't really into leading the group. Well she drew the pledge and song leader out of the capers jar. She was not happy with that at all. After the meeting she came up to me and said "Miss Nikki, thank you for being out leader. I love singing" That makes it all worth it!

I also took a sewing lesson... which was surprisingly easy. So I have been using my new found sewing skills to make aprons and pajama pants and purses... lots of fun!

I have also been doing a lot of cakes. I really enjoy making cakes. I have started to get more business. And I have started a cake blog:) www.cakesbynikki.blogspot.com

So there is my life in a nut shell... a very small, very cramped nutshell!

Back to blogging

2009-09-29T19:13:00.002-04:00

So I have taken a hiatus from blogging. Mainly it is due to my life being rather hectic and not feeling like I have the time to blog.

But I need to get back with it.
So I am going to make more of an effort to blog at least once a week.

Someday

2009-08-21T16:22:00.002-04:00

It's Friday afternoon and I am sitting at home waiting for the weekend to really start. I was just watching Project Runway and one of the designers said "someday you will be amazing...today is my someday!" That little phrase just struck a cord with me. I am not sure why, but it just did. It makes me think out when my someday is... or if my someday has already happened... or if my someday is everyday!

I truly believe that everyday is what you make of it. Everyday can be amazing. It's just up to you to make it amazing.

UGG

2009-06-19T10:17:00.002-04:00

The pain has returned!!!!! Which leads me to believe that the endo has too!!!! UGGGGGGGG!!!! It is unbearable. I am in so much pain I feel like I could throw up!!! This is NOT good.

It's been awhile

2009-06-08T16:37:00.003-04:00

I havent blogged in a very long time. I have had lots of things on my mind, but just no time to write them down.

So I am going to make time for it. Make time for Nikki.

Sleep

2009-04-23T08:28:00.002-04:00

I need more of it... Just can't get it:(

I have not been sleeping well lately. My eyes are so heavy. I don't know what else to do to get more sleep. I am going to bed at a reasonable hour, I am excersising more, so I would think that would help me sleep better. I am taking a nice warm shower. No Caffine at night. So whats up with that???

I can fall asleep, just not a very restful sleep. I toss and turn all night. I feel spent every morning.

Ugg something has got to give.

2009-04-07T16:09:00.000-04:00

Uggg!!!!!!!

That is it!

Outside Looking in????

2009-03-30T20:43:00.003-04:00

Have you ever felt like you just can't connect with someone who you have been able to connect with for so long? That's how I feel. I feel like I haven't been on the same wave length with anyone for awhile now. So I guess I just to find a way to reconnect...or just get used to feeling like an outsider.

Dealing

2009-03-26T21:44:00.004-04:00

I have been really thinking about other peoples mortality lately. I have been thinking about what I would do if someone I loved passed away again. I am scared that it will happen. Terrified! And I just can't get past this feeling. I am not afraid of dying myself. I am more afraid of how other people will be affected if I am gone. I don't think people I love could handle it. I worry so much about other people that it is hard to think about anything else.

But I have taken a step toward dealing with this better. I have made an appointment to talk to someone.

I know that these feelings come from losing my brother. I know that I never thought about this stuff before. But I also know that we are not promised another day on this world. So I am going to plan... but not over plan.

"talking"

2009-03-21T10:26:00.005-04:00

So I have been spending a lot of time lately "talking" to my brother. I know that sounds wierd but it does make me feel a little better. I have been talking to him about all sorts of different things. I really miss my brother. And each day brings new feelings. And most days those feelings are peacful, but there are moments where I just feel overwhelmed with grief. But those moments pass quickly and I feel better. I still cry everyday, but it has gotten so much better.

There is a song that I heard just after Mark passed away. When I heard it I was in tears. This song is about a woman who passed away. Every time I hear the song I still cry some, but it feels good to think about Mark in Heaven with Jesus.

Untitled....

2009-03-12T11:24:00.005-04:00

So tomorrow is Friday the 13th for the second month in a row. Last month I was making a cake for an order. It was an Optimus Prime. For the most part, I am so happy with it, except for the generic letters.

See the Pic:)

The next day was Valentines Day. It was one of the most relaxing Valentines Day I have had. We went to see Coraline and had lunch out. Nice Day!

Then my world crumbled in on me. That Monday was a day I will never ever forget. My brother died that Monday. I woke up to my phone ringing and knew something was up when I say it was my dad. The next several days are a blur.

It has been almost a month since that awful day. And every day is hard. I am able to make it through most of the day without crying. I usually save it to when I shower. That way no one has to see me cry. And the cry helps me get through the next day. I know that I need to talk, I know that I cant continue to cry every day. But for now, I just wanna internalize it. When someone asks me how I am I just smile and say "day by day" which makes me feel like I am on the DL. I know I will survive this, I know that it will take time to feel again. But it isn't easy.

Loss of my brother

2009-02-22T18:00:00.004-05:00

I lost my brother on Monday February 16th. He passed away at my mothers home. It still seems to be unclear what really caused his death but my mother and the doctors spent quite a long time preforming CPR to try everything they could to save him. Mark battled his own demons for many years and I think his body finally gave out.

I am deeply saddened by the lose of my brother. I feel like a piece of my soul had been destroyed. I feel like I have lost the one person who understands my childhood. The one person who knows why you have to burn the hamburger helper or why I can't even hear the theme song to "Married with Children" without cringing. I feel like I will never be whole again. I didn't talk to my brother every day or every week, but when I did talk to him, he never ended the call without telling me he loved me. It is hard to believe that I will never get to hug him again or talk to him again.

Mark was a wonderful brother growing up. Mark was a wonderful Uncle to my daughter. He always knew how to make her smile. He would tease her until she whined or cried, but then he would give her a big hug to make it all better.

I know that it will take time to truly heal my heart. I know that it will take time to recover from the incredible about of lose I feel. I know that life will go on. But it seems like it will take such a long time to feel healed. But that's all I have now, time and my memories of Mark.

UGG!!!!!

2009-01-28T09:21:00.007-05:00

So I feel like shit. Not physically, but emotionally. I am angry with myself. I am pissed that I can't just bite my tongue. I am mad that I felt the need to "knock" someone down several notches. And I am most pissed that I did all of these things to someone who I consider to be my nearest and dearest friend. And for some reason, I think that by some miracle, that our friendship will all be OK. Although I doubt it. And that makes me mad too.

I am not even sure why I couldn't bite my tongue. I have watched her overcome major changes in her life recently. And I will admit, I have never been in her position so I don't really know what she is going through, but for some reason I expect her to just be "OK" with everything. I expect her to be "over" it. I know that is stupid of me. I know that it is impossible to just be "OK" so soon.

So I spent the night tossing and turning and wondering. I wondered if I had lost my friend forever. And as I laid there in bed, I came to the realization that if the roles were reversed, I would want her to be a friend. Not a mother, not a boss, not a counselor...but just a friend. I would want someone who cares about me and my well being, but doesn't make me feel like I am making the wrong choices or not recovering fast enough from those choices. So I am done mothering and counseling and bossing. My friend has someone who fills all those rolls in her life. And she doesn't need me to add the additional pressure to her. So I will just be the friend for now. Nothing more.

C25k day 3

2009-01-22T15:58:00.002-05:00

So today was day three. I had to take off a day in the middle for my legs to recover...lol and to bake some cakes. I wasn't sure if I was going to get day three in because of a ton of scheduling stuff, but thanks to great friends, I was able get to the gym.

So I went... and I did the program... and it is getting easier!!!
walked at rate of 3.2-3.4
Jogged at rate of 4.6
distance 1.72 miles
calories burned 208

I would like to add one more day to the first week routine, if I can squeeze it in. And start week 2 on Sunday. But the rest of the week will be insane!!

Anyway, it is starting to feel good to sweat... shh... that's our lil secret!!!

Couch to 5 K

2009-01-20T21:54:00.002-05:00

So I started a program called Couch to 5 K.
It is a program that helps you get moving toward running a 5 k.
I found some great podcasts that tell you when to start running and for how long. That seems to really help me keep going. This program should be done every other day three days a week. My week is crazy busy this week with cake making and party planning
Wk 1
90 sec walking 60 sec running for 8 cycles.
Monday: Day 1
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and the jogging pace was 4.2 I completed the program. It felt awesome! I ran/walked for 1.52 miles and burned 145 calories (per the treadmill)
Tuesday: Day 2
Walked on the treadmill at 3.2 and jogging pace 4.4. I completed the program. Today was harder. But not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I ran/walked for 1.65 miles and burned 162 calories.

The current plan is to go again tomorrow but my legs are hurting today. So I will go the next day. I need to make the time to do it. I will make the time for it.

Instant Bad Mood!!!!!

2009-01-08T18:53:00.003-05:00

I HATE the lake of sun in Ohio in the Winter. I hate that when I go to work it is still dark and when I get home it is dark!!!! Makes me super aggrivated. Makes me all sorts of BITCHY!!!!

And to top it all off I hate being a single parent, even if it is only 2 days a week! It is awful!

It's 2009!!!

2009-01-06T08:23:00.004-05:00

Actually it is 6 days into 2009!!! And I am already behind on my blog.

We rang in the New Year with good friends. And barely made it past midnight. I believe we were in bed and asleep at 12:30... Man I feel old:)

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I just feel like they set me up to fail. I hate saying I am going to do something and then it never happens. So I just don't make them.

Instead, I have set a few personal goals for myself to accomplish before I turn 30 in November. But I wanna keep those to myself for awhile:)

The whole idea of turning 30 terrifies me. Why? Umm... who knows? Maybe it is because I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. Or maybe it is because I have already felt 30ish for years. I mean, I have been married for 7 years. I have been with the same person for the last 10 years. I have a 7 year old. I have a good job and a home and all the things that come with being an adult, like bills...lol. I guess turning 30 is better than the alternative.

Outsider???

2008-12-31T09:37:00.005-05:00

I have been an outsider looking in on several different relationships this year. Some of the relationships have come to an end, some have grown despite the odds against them. Some have just stood where they were, never really changing. Witnessing these relationships has taught me a lot about myself too.

One relationship that I don't see much of in person is between my brother and this girl (not sure what to call her, she maybe his girlfriend, but who knows from day to day) She is an adult, but doesn't really act like one. She plays games. She tries to control my brother. She holds things of my brothers head. Seeing her act like that is repulsive. It makes me very happy that I am not that kind of person.

Another relationship I have seen is actually one I am a part of, it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. It is a relationship I have had with a friend for almost 10 years. But unfortunately, it just doesn't feel much like a real friendship anymore. It feels more like an obligation. I know that is very sad. Heck, it sounds very sad just saying it in my head. We have both grown so far away from who we were 10 years ago that I can hardly recognize who we were back then. I miss the relationship we shared even 5 years ago. Seeing this relationship deteriorate has taught me that unfortunately no matter what you do or how hard you try, some relationships can't survive. I will always value the relationship for the joy it has brought me. I will always keep my heart open to the relationship, but I will always miss the way things were.

The one relationship I think I learned the most from this year is one that didn't make it. It took a wrong turn somewhere along their path. I believe that the wrong turn was taken years ago, and it just continued down that path because neither of the people in the relationship felt like it was the wrong path until it was to late to turn around. Seeing this relationship end was very hard. Seeing the pain it inflicted on people I care about hurt me too. I know that this relationship had a lot of happy times. But I also know that this relationship had unhappy times too. I hope that the people in this relationship have learned the same lesson I have from then. I learned that no matter how much it hurts, Love is worth it, even if the love you share doesn't last forever, that small amount of time you had love makes all of the hurt worth it in the end.

There is another relationship I have watched this year. It is a very interesting one to see. It is between my daughter and her friend, B. They are in the same class together. They have been friends since last year. But I think they are both coming into their own. R loves being around B. She thinks of B as a sister. And like all sisters, they also fight like sisters. Their young friendship has so much potential to be a life long one. It will take some nurturing to help it grow. It will have some bumps in the road along the way, but I think it will be a wonderful relationship to watch grow. It is hard to just sit back and watch sometimes. But I know that by just watching it is the best way for the friendship to bloom.

There are SO many other relationships I have seen this year. Way to many to list here. But I am glad that I get to be an outsider to them all...regardless of the outcome.

Reflection

2008-12-31T08:53:00.003-05:00

So it's New Years Eve Day. I am at work with a whole lot of nothing going on. I have work to do, but not enough to keep me "busy" all day.

We will be spending NYE the same we spent it last year. A lot of kids running around with the adults struggling to stay awake until midnight.

This year has been pretty uneventful. D decided to go back to school for his masters, R is doing great in 1st grade and is making a ton of friends at school. She is dancing again this year and still says she will only dance for 5 years so she can get a trophy on stage...lol. She is also in Girl Scouts, which I foolishly volunteered to be a part of. I am not sure she gets much out of it, but she seems to enjoy the activities anyway.

I skipped my 10 year class reunion this year. Really didn't feel like I really belong to that school anyway (the joys of moving in the middle of your high school experience). Maybe I will make an appearance at the 15 year reunion, but don't hold your breath.

I also moved on (finally) from the world of Surrogacy. I had serious debated doing it ONE more time, but couldn't get past the hurt and frustration I had from my past journey. I held onto the heartache a lot longer than I should I have. And I have finally made peace with it and have moved on. I didn't spend countless hours looking for the perfect gift for the boys, I just didn't want to find myself in the toy section again this year with tears streaming down my face because I didn't know anything about the babies I carried. So I made the choice to just MOVE ON.

I also had to make a tougher choice this year. I made the choice to have an endometrial ablation due to some medical issues I was having. Which means I am not able to ever carry another baby again. So that means that I will never have anymore children of my own either. I will say, there are days where I am disappointed about making that choice, but then I realize that I really don't want any more children. The one I have is an absolute blast, but kids are a lot of work.

What else happened this year??? D and I celebrated 7 years of marriage. It is so hard to believe we have only been married for 7 years. It feels like I have ALWAYS been married to him. It just feels so right. I know I am blessed to have him in my life. I know that being loved by D is an honor. He isn't a deeply emotional man. He doesn't shower me with lavish gifts. He doesn't leave me love notes every day. But he loves me to no end. He kisses me goodnight every night and hugs me good bye every morning. I am so lucky to be celebrating another New Years Eve with D.

We also joined a bowling league... what a JOKE!!!! I am the WORST bowler in the whole history of bowlers. My 7 year old Daughter bowls better than I do.Ohh well... At least we are having fun doing it right.

I hope my 2009 is just as good as my 2008.

Why is it????

2008-12-22T12:06:00.003-05:00

So it really isn't any of my business but I just can't help myself.

So here is the background...J meet this guy. They had 1 brief meeting for coffee and now he is "infatuated" with her... I mean seriously head of heels.

Now, don't get me wrong, J is a wonderful person. Who wouldn't be head over heels with her??... but not after an hour meeting for coffee. So why is it that there are some people who can fall hard and fast while others take FOREVER to even consider even just maybe falling in like with someone... even then, they reserve the right to change their mind as often as they change underwear.

I just don't get it. I could understand it from a hormone crazy kid, but not a grown man. Not a man who should be responsible with his feelings and even if he does feel infatuated, he is still reserved and calm about it.

So why is it that GROWN MEN aren't taking the time t really get know someone before saying they are "in love at first site"...Ugg MEN!!!! They will NEVER grow up!

They are gone:(

2008-12-22T11:52:00.005-05:00

So the madness wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. It was a blast having J and the boys at my house for a few days. The kids, R, J and L, all got along so well. R and J played Wii for hours on end. And L watched them play it.

We went to the Air Force Museum. The boys LOVED it. It was super cool to have the place to our selves. Momma J got a kick out of the sign that said "watch out for falling ice" I had to remind her that it was possible that there would be ice on the roof, since it was like 15 degrees...lol I hope they didnt think it was too cold.

The weather was nice... about 15-20 degrees (burr) and there was some rain, but it wasn't bad enough to keep us inside. Momma J did get to see snow falling (nothing really to write home about, but she quickly texted her mom to tell her it was showing...lol)

Momma J and I spent a lot of time just talking and drinking wine (or what ever else we could find). It was the first time we have been able to do that because every time we have been toogther, she has been KNOCKED UP!

I am so sad to see her go. I wish she lived closer. I wish I had all the time to go see her more often. Oh well... thats life!

And the madness begins

2008-12-17T11:19:00.003-05:00

So today, my BFF, J is coming in town. She is bringing her boys with her! I have been running around like a mad woman cleaning and recleaning and acting like a fool. My house still isn't how I wish it was, but oh well..even crazy ladies have to quit sometime.

So my day got all jacked up b/c R's school was on a 2 hr delay due to ice. And D said he couldn't stay home with her. Which meant I had to do it. Which then meant thatI would NOT be leaving work like I planned. Instead I will leave at 1. But I still have to make cookies for R's class for her B-day... she wants Hippo cookies:)

So I will go home and start the cookie dough... chill it for 2 hours. Pick up R from school go home and start dinner (beef stew.. ohh yum!) and start baking cookies, and baking cookies, and backing cookies... until 5:30. They I have to go to the airport to get J and the boys. Then the fun begins!!!! I am so darn excited that she will be in town. I just saw her a month ago, but it feels like forever. And it will be even harder to see her go because I have NO clue when we will get to visit again. No plans have been made for weekend trips or vacations, so the next visit may be far off:(

We have so much planned for the trip. We will be going to the Air Force Museum. The boys will LOVE it. Heck, I love it there. It is so cool. But R doesn't like it, so I never get to go. I gave R the choice to decide if she wanted to skip school and go with us. She declined and said that she was worried she would miss something fun... lol

I will be posting about our visit. I will include lots of pics and lots of funny antics from the kids. I am sure it will be a BLAST!

The Hippo Cake!

2008-12-13T10:28:00.004-05:00

It's that time of year again... Yep, Daughter's Birthday party is today!!!! I am surprisingly calm... I think it is because all I had to was make the cake and get treat bags since we are having her party at a local place...

So here is the cake....

Yep, it's a Hippo Cake!!!

Twillight

2008-12-04T12:06:00.003-05:00

So I am reading the Twillight Saga. It is really good. I have spent countless hours reading it. I stay up til 2 in the morning reading it...lol

I have found that it makes me feel happy to have found love. It makes me wanna tell my husband how much he means to me. It makes me feel more passionate about the love we share. A Love that endures all things. Even in hard times, the love I have found it incredible. It is nice to know that I can tell him how I feel and not worry about being judged. Being with my lover makes me wanna be a better wife and mother and friend. Being with him makes me feel whole.

I know that not everyone gets a shot at true love. I know that some people find it and lose it. I know that some people settle for less than true love. But I am lucky to have found it and not to have settled for anything less than true love.

D... I love you each and every day of forever!

Putting it out there.

2008-12-04T11:59:00.001-05:00

So I haven't really shared my blog with anyone... But I did put it out there today.... for all the world to see.... not that they couldn't see it before... but I just made it easier for them to find.

So the randomness of my mind will be out there for everyone to read.

ENJOY!!!!

Birthing Babies

2008-11-30T16:03:00.002-05:00

I have a daughter.... she is almost 7... so I have been pregnant...actually twice.... but only one baby is mine... I was a gestational surrogate and carried twins... but I never actually gave birth to any child I have carried. I had a C-Section with my daughter and had a c-section with the twins. I have never been in labor. I have only have minor contractions. I have never even seen anyone in hard labor.... until November 19th.

My bestest friend in the entire world (not just saying that because she reads this) gave birth to her 4th surrogate baby... Second surrogate pregnancy... So yeah, she had triplets the first time. Anyway, She was induced Nov 19th and I was lucky enough to get to fly to California to be there with her. It was an incredable experience. But holy hell that looked like it hurt bad. She was in active labor for 7 hours and refused an epidural until the end... when she was ready to get one, she was already at 8 cm....so almost go time. She quickly went from being in pain to pushing out baby...in about 2 whole pushes...

I will say one thing... the human body is amazing...but I will NEVER ever endure childbirth.

I "puffy heart" cake!

2008-11-30T15:50:00.003-05:00

So I have a hobby... I decorate cake! I love doing it. But I try to avoid it because having cake in the house has been detrimental to my weight. I LOVE CAKE!!! If it is here, I will eat it.

So I have decided that I will feature some of my cakes on my blog. I will tell you what I like about them... and what I don't like. Often times, I really enjoy my cakes... but there is ALWAYS something that I can improve on.

So here is my 1st cake I would like to share...

So this cake was for a good friends son's 2nd Birthday. He LOVES cars. So I made a road out of chocolate. It was so easy!!! So what do I like???? Most of it actually...it is a cute boy cake. What I don't like... the Grass!!! It is a very easy techinque. But makes it very hard to "write" on. So I need to find a new way to do grass.... Or just do cakes that dont need "grass"

So my next cake will be for my daughters birthday party. She says she wants a HIPPO cake! Go figure.....now I have to figure out how to actually execute a hippo cake.... Time to search high and low on the internet.

OK, I don't need Drama

2008-10-05T11:26:00.003-04:00

So I realized that I don't reallty need drama in my life...lol I like things nice and calm.

Things have been a but hectic latley. No time for ME.

I can either wallow in my own self pity or I can take control of my own life and be ME. I am going to make time for ME. And enjoy who I am. I am going to work on myself.

I am going to embrace the love that is in my life and be grateful that I have it. I am going to be more understanding when I am not the center of his attention. He is doing something to better his life and our family. He is being a strong man. He loves me for who I am and I am happy to call him my husband. Finding the love of your life isn't easy. And I am blessed to have found him.

So I choose Me. And I choose Him. And I choose US...together!!!

Need some DRAMA!

2008-09-30T10:56:00.004-04:00

My life is very drama free. So Drama Free infact that it is downright boring. Not that I should complain about boring, but I am. I want something exciting to happen. But not life altering exciting. So what is it I really want? Not sure... maybe for someone to have a baby. Or get married.

I need a project!

Home Sick!

2008-09-23T10:58:00.002-04:00

So I am home sick today. I hate being sick. But I like being home. I really love the idea of being home. I love the idea of being able to "play"house. But unfortunatly, I am not able to stay home. Not if I wanna maintain my current lifestyle.

My daughter would have to give up things that I would NEVER want her to do without. Dance class would be out of the question. Private school would be gone. The weekly shopping trip would have to come to an end. All things that I am not willing to make her give up.

So I will spend my day at home sick.... go back to work tomorrow.:)

Loosing my mind

2008-09-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

I don't like to work. Actually I think it is that I just don't like to sit and be bored all day. My job is boring. I spend most of my time surfing the Internet. And you can only surf for so long before you loose your mind.

A dear Friend!

2008-09-22T15:11:00.002-04:00

I have a very dear friend, someone who I consider to be my very bestest friend in the world. I am grateful for her friendship. I look forward to sharing emails and texts with her everyday. There isn't a day goes by that we don't "talk".

I just want her to know that I LUB her and always think about her. She is strong and independent. She is brave yet cautious. She has shown me so much about life. She truly cares about others. She is the most generous person I know.

Just wanted to let her know that she will never be alone in life. Keep smiling:)

Living thru the pain!

2008-09-19T08:17:00.003-04:00

For as long as I can remember I have suffered some sort of chronic pain. 99% of it steams from my back hurting. Which, I am sure is related to the fact that I have worn a D cup to a DD cup bra for 18 years. And now my body is suffering the consequences.

I have grooves in my shoulders from the bra straps, I have buldging disks in my neck from the pulling, I have intense pain down my leg from the nerve that is pinched in my lower back. I am not sure how much more pain I can take. It is intense. It is debilitating. It affects my everyday life in a very profound way. I can not bend over to hug my daughter, she has to come to my level. I can not lean up to hug my husband, he has to come to my level.

I am finding that NOTHING takes away the pain. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING helps. Advil doesn't touch the pain. Vicodin barely numbs it. So what is the answer? Live with it? I am not sure I can.

Reflecting

2008-09-12T11:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was September 11, 2008. It has been 7 years since the towers fell in NYC. I spent a good part of yeasterday reflecting on that time in my life. Not because I cant move past the atatcks or because I was morning the lives lost. I was reflecting on that day becasue it was 4 days before my wedding. I was working that day and was supposed to pick up my dress that night. After the towers fell, stores closed. My Dress would not be picked up that night. Infact my Dress wouldn't be picked up until two days later.

The things that I reflect most on about 7 years ago was that I was pregnant with my daughter. I thought to my self " how in the hell can I bring a baby into a world filled with so much hated?" I quickly realized that I didn't have a choice but to bring a child into this world. And I realized that I had the choice to raise her any way I wanted. I could have raised her to hate. I could have raised her to judge people by their skin color or their sexual preference. But I choose to raise her the way that I have choosen to see the world. I have raised her to be understanding and loving of others. I have taught her that it is ok to be different. She knows it is ok for 2 boys to love each other. She knows that even though her school may teach her about god, that it isnt the answer to all the problems.

So after a day of reflection, I feel at peace with September 11.

I am so Selfish!!!

2008-08-27T11:02:00.003-04:00

I feel like a selfish wench right now.

Why? Well, I can't really write it down.... It's a secret...so shhhhh... but since not many people actually read my blog...

So, I have a brother, Bubba, who is 27 (28 in December). He is my "Whole" brother, as opposed to my "half" brother who is 8 (9 in November) (yeah, my dad started a second family after he got remarried)

So Bubba has spent many years with a deamon on his back. He has been faced with a lot of trials and tribulations. He has not always been the best brother or son or uncle or friend. But Bubba is trying to make his life better. He is going to school. He is making better friends.

So anyway, Bubba has a girlfriend, they have not been dating for very long...maybe 6 months. Well.... Bubba's girl is knocked up! Is that good news or bad??? Bad... considering it is a tubal pregnancy. :( NOT good at all...So this poor lil girl will have to endure the heartache of loosing the baby. Unfortunately there is Very little chance the pregnancy will survive.

So why am I selfish???? Because all I can think about it how sad I am that I don't get to be an AUNT! What kind of person does that??? A very very selfish one.

Just a few random thoughts part 1

2008-08-14T08:44:00.006-04:00

So when I started this blog I intended it to be lite hearted and good for a laugh or two. But the tone of this post will be a bit different. I wanted to take some time to reflect on things that have change who I am as a person. These events or people have change the core of who I am. Some events or people have been good.... some, not so good.

So here it is...
In 1996 my parents divorced. After 17 years of marriage, they split. Yeah, it happens, but for me, I never thought it would happen to me. When I was growing up, all of my friend's parents were married. So I bet you are wondering how my parents getting divorced changed me. Well, I do NOT believe in divorce. I refuse to think that the man I married will eventually not be my husband.

Not only has the actually divorce changed me, but there are other things about that time that will always stand out in my mind. When my dad left my mom, I didn't really "feel" anything. It didn't hurt that much... until he ran off to Boston to be with some chick he met on the Internet. On the 4th of July I got an email from my dad. It said that it was "HIS" Independence Day. He day of freedom. Back then I wasn't sure what that really meant. But I do remember that I thought that he was contemplating taking his own life. I remember very clearly sitting on the porch with a boyfriend, crying hysterically and breathing into a brown paper bag. At that moment I vowed to myself to NEVER let my father hurt me like that ever ever again. He will never get that close to me again. He will never have that chance to make me feel that awful.
And to this day, I have a very big wall up when it comes to my father. I will not allow him to hurt me anymore. I don't talk to him very often. As a matter of fact, I usually only talk to him around the Holidays.

Another part of this event that has changed me more than I realized at the time, THE BOSTON LADY taught me something. She taught me that there are some women who use a man just for the money. And there are some women who are completely okay. I realized that I will NEVER be that kind of woman.

Goin' thru the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas!

2008-06-26T08:57:00.004-04:00

There really isn't anything funny to say about Divorce. It is the most heart wrenching experience anyone can have.

Sometimes divorce is a mutual thing. Both parties involved want it. It may be amicable, it may be nasty! But it still vary hard for all involved.

Sometimes it is a midlife crisis. (Bad)

Sometimes someone just needs to "find" themselves. (Makes you wonder what they expect to find)

Sometimes people just fall out of love. (Unfortunately this happens far to often)

Sometimes someone cheats. (The Ultimate Betrayal)

I have a very dear friend who is going thru a Divorce. She is lost. She is hurt. She is mad. She is sad. She is crushed. She feels like she is unworth of being loved. All of these things are very valid feelings. She will be ok. She WILL survive this. She will move forward with her life and be a better person because she has loved someone unconditionally.

Seeing her go thru all of this heart ache just makes me feel awful for her. Seeing her hurt and knowing that you can't fix it. I have tried to be a good friend. I have been there when she needed someone to talk to. I have sent cards. I have prayed (which I very rarely do) for her to be whole again. I have thought about her and her children often.

I hope she finds peace and happiness. I hope she takes the time to heal. I hope she finds out she is an amazing women.

Grateful for my boring ass life!!!!

2008-06-23T13:23:00.003-04:00

So I have a very near and dear friend (who will be known as Hot Mama from here on out) who is being screwed!!!! Her partner (who will be known as DUMBA$$ from here on out)of 8.5 years decided that she no longer wants to be with her. She decided that she was "in love" with someone(who will be known as BIOTCH) else... ok that is a well and good... but this someone else is Married... TO A MAN!!!!

Hot Mama is being very strong. She has her moments of weakness, but that is ok. We are all weak sometimes. It makes you a better person in the long run. She is much nicer to Dumba$$ than I would be.

But here is were I am grateful for my boring ass life, My Husband is way to lazy to go out and find someone to fall "in love" with. So I am pretty sure he won't cheat on me or leave me. But let me tell you this, if he ever does... his balls wont be leaving with him. They will be in a jar on the mantel.

Getting back to me!

2008-05-27T08:36:00.002-04:00

So I have decided that it is FINALLY time to get back to who I really am. And the FAT CHICK that I am pretending to be is NOT ME.

So I putting it in writting! I am DONE being FAT. I am tired of feeling unattractive. I am DONE!
It is time to get back to who I deserve to be.

So say goodbye to the fat chick and HELLO to ME!

On the List!

2008-05-21T09:23:00.005-04:00

So I have a list! Well several lists actually.

It is easy to get on this list. Doesn't require any special invite to join this list, you just have to annoy the SHIT out of me...So this is my SHIT LIST!

*My Boss is #1 on my list right now! It seems like he goes out of his way to join this list.

*Another guy I work with. He is always on the list, even when he probably shouldn't be.

*My Husband finds himself on this list often! But he knows how to get of the list so all is good!

I also have a list that I personally think is a great list to be on. It is the list that if I wanted to be on a list, this would be it! This is a list of people who I would go Above and Beyond for. Each of these people have earned the right to be on this list. These people can move to the SHIT LIST, but quickly get the opportunity to move off the SHIT LIST back on to the "LOVED LIST"

*My Husband...he earned the right to be on this list many years ago.

*My Daughter... I would move Heaven and Earth for her. She is the love of my life.

*My MOM...she has always been a pillar of strength for me. Guiding me in the right direction.

*BFF... J....she is so full of wisdom and love. How could she not be on this list.

*My Dear Friend... J... We have been through thick and thin with each other. I have been there when both of her kids were born. I have seen her ups and her downs. And she has seen mine. She is a great friend. We have drifted a bit...mainly because of our crazy lives.

*Another Dear Friend...A...When we first me, I was not very fond of her. But she has grown on me. She has proven to be a wonderful friend. She has been there for me through all sorts of crazy times. I know that anytime I need her, she will be there.

So I have another list too...It is the Fantasy list! This is "the" list that everyone shoud have. It is the list that if you EVER had the chance to be with the people on the list, then your significant other can not be mad.

MY FANTASY LIST

*GRADY SIZEMORE!!!(only person on my list :))

So no matter what kind of list you have, make sure that is worth having:)

Ignorance isn't always Bliss... sometimes it's just ignorance

2008-05-20T09:19:00.004-04:00

Some people really rub me the wrong way. I mean, how can you be that stupid? I understand that some people just really are not very smart, but give me a break.

Saying you didn't know is no excuse for being ignorant! Why do people feel the need to prove how stupid they really are? Just keep your damn mouth shut...that way no one knows really how stupid you are!

Bet you are wondering why I am ranting about stupid people.

I just seem to be coming in contact with a lot of people who are just ignorant. Now, it may just be that I am nor bitchy lately! (which wouldn't surprise me at all)

So here are some examples of IGNORANT people in my life that I have been unfortunate enough to have contact with lately! (if you think that I am talking about you, then you are probably right.... and maybe not as ignorant as you are letting on to be)

*Some random girl on a message board that I frequent. UGG...she gives new meaning to ignorant. What makes matters worse is that she tries to defend her ignorance with more ignorance! (I often wonder why I let people who I will NEVER meet have that much effect on me. Well, who the hell knows)

*A dear friend of mine. She used to be pretty smart. Now I just think that she has let herself "slip". She is comfortable with her life. She is not willing to try and make things better for herself and her children. She is only ignorant in the sense that she knows better and refuses to change.

*Stupid girl at work... GIVE ME A FREAKIN BREAK! You really can't be that stupid! OK I guess you can.

*MySpace people who "buy" me... Umm I AM NOT FOR SALE!

*That girl who is dating this guy I work with. She is super smart. She is a wonderful person. But for some reason she chooses to date this ignorant guy. Now, he is only ignorant because he refuses to see what a great person he has in front of him.

I guess Ignorance really is bliss... because these people all seem to be happy! Ignorant, but happy... I guess that makes it all ok.

Oh So Random!

2008-05-19T13:44:00.000-04:00

Random thoughts of the day!
1. I Like Limes!
2. I like my job... just not today!
3. Wish my body would quit rebelling against itself!
4. I need SOME! (if you dont know what SOME is...then you need some too!)

Cake!

2008-05-19T12:07:00.000-04:00

I am currently on the Cake KICK! I think I may have found a hobby I can actually stick with!

I am decorating more cakes than we can eat! Drew says "we could give the cakes away"Yeah that sounds like a good idea, until I get NO feedback on it.

I NEED to know about the cake. How does it taste? What did you think about how it was decorated? Did you actually eat it?

I have been getting good reviews, but are they just being nice??? You never know!